9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
