My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
