I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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