so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
