I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize