I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
