If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
