Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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