he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
