I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
