Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
