i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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