Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
