Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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