It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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