Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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