We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I love having hate sex.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
