My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize