I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
