In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
