I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
