This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
