i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
