Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
