I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
