This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
