how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
