she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
