Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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