3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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