i don't like sucking hair
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
