Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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