sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize