i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
