i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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