You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
