She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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