I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
