Hippo gnu deer
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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