After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
