im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
