I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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