I didn't shave. On purpose
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
