If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
