I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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