just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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