You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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