people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize