Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
