Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
