i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
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