my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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