Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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