Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just googled if crying burns calories
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
