I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
