i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This toilet bowl is my home.
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