I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
