Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
