Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
