I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
