I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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