fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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