Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
