the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
