We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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