I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
